Animal Humour

 

 

 

Dear God,

 

Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

 

Dear God,

When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,

Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog?

 How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love dog car ride a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

 
Dear God,

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

 

 Dear God,

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

 

Dear God,

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,

When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

 

Dear God,

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

 

Dear God,

Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog: I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet

The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise,  it's usually not a good thing.

 

Dear God,    May I have my testicles back?

 

 

Excerpts from a dog's daily diary


 


      8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!     
    9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!   
    9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!       
  10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!  
  11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!    
 12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!    
    1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!     
  4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!    
  5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!   
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!         
    6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE! 
              6:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING IN MY PEOPLES BED!  MY FAVORITE!



Excerpts from a cat's daily diary

 


Day 183
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am  forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I
was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power
of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room,  his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

 

 

 

Hint....make sure you have your sound on

 

 

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Dobe says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Dobe says, "Just follow me."

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Dobe says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Ok. Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "Why not," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

 

A fire fighter is polishing a fire engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied one wagon leash to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster."

The little girl pauses for a moment to think, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks up into the fireman's eyes and says...... "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren, would I?!"

 

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by...oh well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shih Tzu
Bull Shih Tzu, a gregarious but unreliable breed

 

A white horse trotted into a pub and asked for a whisky. The barman said "Certainly Sir, which one would you like? We've got Bell's, Teachers', Famous Grouse and we've even got one named after you."
"What, Eric?" said the white horse.

 

How to bathe your cat

  1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

  2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

  3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

  4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.
    CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.  

  5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'powerwash and rinse' which I have found to be quite effective.

  6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

  7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

  8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Have fun...

Kind Regards

the Dog

 

 

 

How to Give a Cat a Tablet

  1. Open the cat up and cradle in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into it, allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind the sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

  4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner in from garden.

  6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from the foil wrap. Make note to buy a new rule and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered 'Dolton' figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pull in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

  9. Check label to make sure pills not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply plaster to partners forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

  10.  Retrieve cat from neighbours shed and get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon and flick pill down throat with elastic band.

  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

  12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road and apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid the cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

  13. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed and pry cat's mouth open with a small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash down pill.
  14. Get partner to drive you to A&E and sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

  15. Arrange for Cat Protection League to collect cat. Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 

 

How to Give a Dog a Tablet

 

 

 

 

Great Dog Themed quotes

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
-- Edward Abbey
"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue."
--Anonymous
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
-- Dave Barry
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard."
--Dave Barry
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
-- Robert Benchley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
-- Josh Billings
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!"
-- Dr. Tom Cat
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
-- Nora Ephron
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made"
--M. Facklam
"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate."
--Sigmund Freud
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
-- Gene Hill
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
-- Aldous Huxley
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
-- Holbrook Jackson
"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog."
--Franklin P. Jones
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
-- Ann Landers
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
-- Fran Lebowitz
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
-- Groucho Marx
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
-- Christopher Morley
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl."
--Penny Ward Moser
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
--Will Rogers
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
--Andrew A. Rooney
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
-- August Strindberg
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
-- James Thurber
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-- Anne Tyler
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money."
--Joe Weinstein
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-- Ben Williams
"Cat's motto No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
-- Unknown
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
-- Unknown
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."
--Unknown
"In dog years, I'm dead."
-- Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
-- Unknown
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
-- Unknown
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
-- Unknown
 

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